A parody of Rudyard Kipling’s If – by a mum

February 7, 2016


Kipling’s famed poem is about stoicism, something a lot of mums know a lot about, so I felt a little mother-themed update was in order….

If – by The Mothership

If you can keep your head during witching hour,

While the baby is screaming blue murder,

If you can be trusted to go on a trampoline,

And not accidentally wet yourself;

If you can wait and not be tired of waiting,

For a teething baby to finally sleep,

Or to eat that puree you lovingly made,

And stop dropping dummies on the floor.

If you can wear black leggings for a year (or two),

Of varying but limited styles;

If you can meet with practicality and spontaneity,

And leave the house within 1 hour and 45 minutes,

If you can bear to survive on toast crusts, cold cups of tea,

And hastily drunk wine after bedtime;

Or watch your home be taken over by plastic toys,

And noise, and crumbs, and handprints,

If you can learn to love tiny fingers being shoved up your nose,

And in your eyes and fish hooking your mouth,

If you don’t mind bathing with plastic toys and baby bubbles,

Instead of Jo Malone and a G&T,

If you can put a dummy in the baby’s mouth from the driver’s seat,

And still sing their favourite song,

And get a sleep-suit on what is effectively a ferret,

Trying to escape from a sack,

If you can suffer birth, maternity pads, sore boobs and worse,

And want to go through it again,

If you surrender your body, your brain and even your damn fat feet,

And still love why you did it,

If you can witness some friendships fall away,

But others get stronger than ever,

And have your vulnerability on show for the world to see,

And not have it any other way, you’re a mum.

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