How did we get here?

January 8, 2016

Do you ever, out of nowhere have one of those ‘how did I get here?’ moments where, suddenly, you take a step back, disappear into your head and try to make sense of that exact second in time? It happened to me today, as I was driving. It was almost like a realisation – I am a woman who drives a Volvo estate with a ‘baby on board’ sticker, my husband is next to me (I’m married!!!), and my daughter is in the back. A Volvo. A husband. A baby. How?

During my early 20s (AKA The Wilderness/Party Years) the thought of settling down into the kind of life that I now have – and love – was tantalising yet incomprehensible.

– How on earth would I find a lovely man who would be kind, and clever, and a great father, and only bitch for a new moments before making me an orange squash?

– Why would I ever get rid of my ancient, almost certainly unsafe 4×4 (nicknamed The Vaginero by my boss)?

– Could I bear to live with someone else after blissful years of living alone in the perfect (admittedly minuscule) apartment?

– Would they have invented a way of having a baby without actually giving birth by the time I wanted a child? C’mon science…

– Am I too selfish to be a mother? Would that ever change? What if I think the child I bring into the world is, frankly, a bit of a dick when he/she grows up? What if I have a child that’s a he/she?! And what if the worst happens and… I can’t bring myself to write it.

– It it possible to have a baby and a career? Or a relaxing holiday and a baby? And money and a baby?

And yet here I am. In another part of the world. Behind the wheel of a large automobile. Baffled. Singing Talking Heads. And I wouldn’t change a thing (apart from getting more wear out of those pre-preggo dresses and the occasional lie-in).