Book vs real life: 31 weeks pregnant
December 28, 2016
I’m surveying the post-Christmas wreckage; a plastic dinosaur is staring at me from the dining table, Phoebe’s presents have been put back in her sack with a distant dream of us re-introducing them gradually (yeah right), a pile of chocolate coins sit on the arm of the chair and my treasured ‘fir balsam’ candle is looking a little sad. Christmas is over once again, and it’s hard to know what is a 31-week pregnant bump, and what’s turkey sandwiches/chocolate coins/mince pies/cheese.
It’s a funny time of year for anyone, but when you’re pregnant those hormones can spin you out, leaving you elated one moment (“Look at my family! Just think about the baby that will be with us next Christmas! I’m so lucky!”) and utterly low the next (“Think of all the poor children in the world who have nothing! I’m so ungrateful! And how am I going to lose all this mince pie weight? I’m foul!” etc etc etc). I admit, watching John Lewis adverts back to back wasn’t a good idea.
With family in town there’s always pressure to be on the go, no matter how many times your mum says (and means) “Don’t worry about us!”, so it’s been a hectic week; the beach, the park, Christmas markets, dinners out, cooking at home and so on. And it’s been fab. Christmas in Dubai, I now realise, just takes some getting used to. What it lacks in cosy churches (okay, pubs) and old tradition, it more than makes up for in takeaway turkeys, amazing weather and new traditions. We went to the beach for breakfast on Christmas morning, loaded up with orange juice and croissants, before coming home for presents and dinner when dusk came.
As for being pregnant at Christmas, there was no Prosecco from 10am (booooo) but also no hangover the next morning (yaaaaaay). I even had a little nap with Phoebe, which kept me going. Admittedly only until 9pm, when I went to bed, but still.
Health-wise, it’s all feeling a bit, umm, precarious down there. Like the baby is ready to make an appearance every time I walk more than 50 metres. Scary.
So what do the experts at What To Expect say about this stage of pregnancy? And what does this stuffing stuffed waddling woman think?
The book says…
Weighing in at three-plus pounds and measuring about 16 inches long, your baby is quickly approaching his birth length — though he’s got to pack on another three to five pounds before D-day. He’s also putting in longer stretches of sleep, which is why you’re probably noticing more defined patterns of wakefulness (and movement) and rest (when he’s pretty still).
I say…
Not more than five pounds please, little one. Apparently second and third children are bigger than the first, and I’m not sure my pelvic floor could cope.
The book says…
So what’s your little dove doing all day while you’re busy feathering your nest for his arrival? Making faces, hiccupping, swallowing, breathing, pedaling with little hands and feet along your uterine wall and even sucking his thumb. In fact, some babies suck their thumbs so vigorously while in the womb that they’re born with a callus on their thumb (what little suckers!).
I say…
“Little dove”? Weird. Moving on. Well, this little one is certainly active to the point of me entering her into a disco dancing competition upon delivery. As for the thumb sucking, if it means we’re not buying (and losing) dummies then carry on. I’m all about the self-soothing…
The book says…
Your uterus is pushing all the internal organs that used to be there somewhere else, crowding your lungs and making it more difficult for them to expand fully. The result: Your body is spare on air and will be until your baby drops near the end of pregnancy in preparation for birth. While this shortness of breath may feel very uncomfortable to you, your baby is as happy as a clam because he’s getting his oxygen from the placenta.
I say…
Not many people know this but… I do voiceover work, and had a job this week. I hadn’t realised how much your lung capacity is compromised by baby until I was in a recording studio on Boxing Day, mic in front of me, engineer at the desk and me having to think very hard about where I could sneak a breath before the next line. Not easy.
The book says…
Sex and orgasm can have an interesting effect on babies in the womb, as you may have noticed. Some are very quiet after their parents have sex (rocked to sleep by the rhythmic movement, perhaps) while others become frisky themselves (hey, where’s the party?). Both responses are completely normal and in no way indicate that your baby is aware of the goings-on…just that he’s having fun going along for the ride. So keep on enjoying your sex life — and your orgasms — as much as you like and for as long as you can (which, with your practitioner’s approval and a few advanced Twister-type moves, can be right up until delivery day). Pretty soon, jumping into bed together with a baby in the house won’t be quite so easy or convenient.
I say…
No comment. Pervert.
In conclusion…
Christmas is a wonderful time for families, but a crap time to be pregnant. With low energy and high hormones, I’ve spent a lot of time apologising for being stroppy and unpleasant to the people I love, though they’re my husband and parents, so they have to love and forgive me. But let’s just say I haven’t been on fine form over the last week.
In truth, as I’m sure many women on the final stretch also feel, reality is starting to set in and freak me out. I’m in my head a lot, not sharing my worries about the future, then getting annoyed when no-one seems to understand. It’s not fun for anyone!
But guess what? We’re lucky to be having a healthy baby, and I’ll cope. People cope. Even if the thought of having a newborn and a toddler makes me widen my eyes like my favourite emoji.
As for the next week, it’s New Year’s Eve, and we have big plans for eating the rest of the chocolate coins and arguing over what to watch. Good times.
